The Secret Diary Collection
by VanillaSky
Summary: Based on the writings of Cassie Claire, but formatted for the Outsiders! Sooooo Funny.
1. Soda's still the prettiest

READ THIS 2 UNDERSTAND: Hello!!!!!!!!!!! K, I got this idea LATE one night so if it's crappy beyond belief..well then ok! This was inspired by the secret diary collection of the lord of the rings. I will do all the members of outsiders as one the fellowship. Here Soda is Legolas 'cause they're both hotties (gives both Rina and Soda-Fan2603 hi-fives). Well anyway these are just spoofs on all the characters so I'm sorry this offends anyone. An example might be that it's joked about the fact the Frodo and Sam are actually into each other.I might use Dally and Johnny for that, but just because like Sam, Dally is rather protective. There will be no actions of slash, as I don't like it myself, but there will just be funny assumptions such as the ones you will read about w/ Soda and Steve in this chap. All in good fun of course. Please review to tell me if I should go on or not.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF SODAPOP CURTIS  
  
Day 1:  
  
Went to DX today. Was the prettiest person there. Sold candy to hot babes.they dig me.  
  
Day 3:  
  
Am definitely prettiest member of the Outsiders. Go me!  
  
Day 4:  
  
Darry didn't pay electric bills. Far too dark in bathroom to grease hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.  
  
Socs so silly.  
  
Still the prettiest.  
  
Day 5:  
  
At the DX. Suspect Cherry may be prettier than me.  
  
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle technique.  
  
Get points for originality.  
  
Still prettiest by far.  
  
Day 6:  
  
All this worrying about Pony and Johnny is hell on my complexion.  
  
Am starting to find Steve strangely attractive. Evie will kill if I try anything.  
  
Still the prettiest.  
  
Day 7:  
  
Sandy beginning to show interest in Tim. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.  
  
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Kate" who wants to do obscene things to my "little general". Fortunately have super-duper eyes so can run away if I see her coming.  
  
Day 8:  
  
Pony alive. Lots of hugging and kissing.most unfortunate to waste on men.  
  
Johnny dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get Dally upset as he expired. Does a guy have to get burned to death around here to get any action? Johnny definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.  
  
Dallas off to die with Johnny. Poor little men caring about each other, rather cute really.  
  
Day 9:  
  
Am quite sure Steve fancies me. So unfair. He doesn't mind going under hoods of cars for privacy, so can see advantages there, but oil and big machines most off-putting. Foresee dark times ahead, very dark times.  
  
~_______~  
  
K, I know this was sick and twisted but oh well, it's my life. Muh ha ha ha !! 


	2. Cherry's in need of new surroundings

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I actually forgot to give credit to Cassie Claire's who came up w/ the idea of this for Lord of the Rings. Mine is VERY much inspired by hers, but I changed a lot to make sense for the Outsiders. Thank you "ten miles til midnight" for pointing that out. I felt so bad when I read that and remembered I hadn't given her any credit!!! To answer your question, yes, I will do all the members of the Outsiders as well as a few socs.this chapter is Cherry.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF CHERRY VALANCE  
  
Day 1:  
  
Broke up with Bob today. Cannot stand the idea of not being the prettiest between the two of us. What else would I bring to the relationship?  
  
Day 2:  
  
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Bob away. So what if he wanted to dress me up in a curly wig and do my hair and make-up? Am sure other boys have equally odd hang-ups. Wish I could be interested in greasers, but ever since debacle with Soda back in the last chapter when he accused me of copying his hairstyle technique, have given up on their kind.  
  
Day 3:  
  
Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.  
  
Day 4:  
  
Soda got all prissy when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?  
  
Day 5:  
  
Soda still sulking. Says other greasers making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Randy called him "the gayest gay guy that ever danced down the pike" at last movies. Or maybe he just didn't understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.  
  
Day 6:  
  
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Tulsa in search of adventure, or shopping.  
  
Day 7:  
  
Went all the way to the Gap of Tulsa only to find there is no Gap in Tulsa. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!  
  
Day 8:  
  
People who work for a living such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing' all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing' all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Soda fussing ' will not let me go to DX as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Bob. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
K, that's it r&r!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. Dally's not exactly the very picture of ...

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person who doesn't like to update. Oh well, too bad for you :). I hope you like it, it's not as good as the first two.  
  
  
  
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF DALLAS WINSTON  
  
Day 1:  
  
Johnny hurt by Soc blade. "Oh no!" Pony cried. Told Pony it would be all right as Johnny far too hot to die.  
  
Did I say that out loud?  
  
Day 2:  
  
Feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Johnny "accidentally" brush hand with mine.  
  
Day 3:  
  
Pouting. Johnny stand up for Soc girls. Will kill them if they try anything. Maybe if I wore lip-gloss..  
  
Day 4:  
  
So Proud. Johnny kill Soc-Boy-Bob and turn to me for help. Purposely wore no shirt and sent them away. Will give time to make myself pretty. Must ask Soda for advice.  
  
Day 5:  
  
Soda such a stubborn butt. Got mad when I tried to steal his lip-gloss for truly kiss-able lips. Says I must meet him at the mall with Cherry tomorrow to receive makeover. In hindsight, probably a bad move.  
  
Day 6:  
  
Make-over complete. Soda and Cherry SO exhausting. Fight over which shampoo would get rid of spilt ends and would leave hair super-silky- smooth. Can't believe forgot conditioner. Such a heinous crime.  
  
Day 7:  
  
Very dirty in old church. Used heater to warn Pony every time he tried to wipe smudge of Johnny. Went back home. Soda said I stunk like not enough laundry detergent, but Darry called me the very image of manliness.  
  
Hate Darry.  
  
Day 8:  
  
Pony being hunted by fuzz.  
  
Knew fuzz was good for something.  
  
All off for food. Johnny want to turn himself in, and needs cheering up as inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Pony, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the prison cells.  
  
We'll see about that.  
  
Day 9:  
  
Johnny die. Such a sad sight really. Decided it would be glorious to die for love, but did not expect love to feel so painful.  
  
Ouch.  
  
On the bright side, made Soda jealous. Dying now. 


	4. Darry's stubble update

THE SECRET DIARY OF DARRY CURTIS  
  
Day 1:  
  
Went to work today, very manly skill.  
  
Still no college.  
  
Day 2:  
  
Socs beat up: 5  
  
Roofed houses for 10 hours. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.  
  
Day 3:  
  
Two Bit rather annoying. Asked whether I wanted croutons or bacon bits in my salad. Bacon bits of course. Bacon is meat. Meat is manly. Darry is manly.  
  
Day 4:  
  
Socs beaten: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!  
  
Keep wanting to drop kick Two-Bit. Holding myself back.  
  
Still no college.  
  
Day 5:  
  
Beginning to find Dally disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Johnny would kill me. Also, lip gloss kind of a turn-off.  
  
Stubble update: rugged and manly.  
  
Still no college.  
  
Day 6:  
  
At DX. Think Cherry was hitting on me. Saucy wench.  
  
Nice chat with Two-Bit. He's not so bad.  
  
Took a shower. "Yay!" screamed Mr. Carbonated drink.  
  
Still no college.  
  
Day 7:  
  
Met babe at gym. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.  
  
Two Bit suggested we all take baths. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.  
  
Stupid Two Bit.  
  
Day 9:  
  
Walked in on Pony and Johnny this morning. Have moved into different room with no boys amongst scented candles in sight.  
  
Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't even grow decent stubble.  
  
Stubble update: Looking mangy.  
  
Day 10:  
  
No squirrels left to eat. Pony looking about roasting size. Have been told horses taste like chicken.  
  
Who should be next??? Any ideas on what you'd like me to write? 


	5. Randy does love a good party

The Secret Diary Of Randy  
  
Day One  
  
Bad breakup with Marcia. As if the credit cards weren't bad enough, Bob would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that he cannot accessorize worth a damn.  
  
Day Two  
  
Bob set upon by greasers and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.  
  
Day Three  
  
So bored in Tulsa. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Tulsa who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!  
  
Hope Soda does not attend; still remember party in freshman year where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and that Johnnycakes that Dally was so strangely fond of.  
  
Day Four  
  
Drat. Soda first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Bob back before he expired, should make for quite the party.  
  
Day Five  
  
Refused to let Cherry attend Party, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.  
  
Tiara looks better on me anyway.  
  
Day Six  
  
Party such a bore. Thanks to Darry had to use up all bottles of Febreeze. At least still have gallon of Tide, though prefer the snuggly soft teddy bear.  
  
Day Seven  
  
Decided need sidekick. After all, with Bob six-feet under, someone must be below me. Told Pony this, but he was distracted by Johnny's strawberry lip- gloss. Walked right up to him and slapped him silly saying he knew who it rubbed form. Pony such the killjoy.  
  
Day Eight  
  
Have ruled out Soda as possible minion. Much too ninny-like. Steve looking smoking, but v. greasy. Darry doesn't appreciated hygiene, so have only Two-Bit left. Says he can't as then would not be able to spend time with Darry.  
  
That bitch. 


	6. Johnny makes bad moves

The Secret Diary Of Johnny  
  
Day One:  
  
Met up with soc girls at drive thru. Dally abandon me. Feel most unattractive.  
  
Day Two:  
  
Dally wrote me a poem.  
  
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.  
  
Day Three:  
  
Pony says I am leading him on. Of course, Pony also says I cry like a girl. Pony a total bastard most of the time, actually.  
  
Feel very morose.  
  
Day Four:  
  
Dally asked if I want to ride. Assumed he meant in a car.  
  
Apparently not.  
  
Very educational, all the same.  
  
Day Five:  
  
Darry washed his hair. Hurrah.  
  
Day Six:  
  
Soda and Cherry had a big fight at DX. Yelled over who was prettier. Pony stop fight by saying I was.  
  
Dally will kill him.  
  
Day Seven:  
  
Killed soc to save to Pony. Not a smart move.  
  
But did see Dally without shirt on. Most tubular abs. Pony take off his shirt too but cannot compare with his little man-tities.  
  
Day Eight:  
  
In old church with Pony. Cannot stand it any longer. I know he tried to breathed in my ear when cutting my luscious ebony locks.  
  
Damn Bob to hell.  
  
Day Nine:  
  
Decided to impress Dally by saving kids from a burning fire. Bad idea as I am now in critical condition with no hot nurses or Dally.  
  
Dying currently...  
  
Day Ten:  
  
In Heaven. Was waiting for Dally but an angel said he was rotting in hell for all eternity. Regret saving kids for a good deed.  
  
Decided it was okay as Dally was most-likely looking smokin' with all the flames around him.  
  
Angel just said Bob was down there two.  
  
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	7. Pony is not falling for it

The Secret Diary of Ponyboy  
  
Day One:  
  
Suspect Dally may have the hots for Johnnycakes. I will kill him if he tries anything.  
  
Day Two:  
  
Met Cherry. Think she is attracted to my petites-ness. Cannot blame her myself.  
  
Day Three:  
  
Caught Dally waxing soles of Johnny's shoes, thus explaining why Johnny keeps collapsing into his arms.  
  
Tricky pointy-eared hood.  
  
Day Five:  
  
Johnny save me from evil soc bastards. Johnnycakes become macho and kill Bob. Tacky dresser deserved to die.  
  
Day Six:  
  
Look to Dally for help. Saw that he purposely wore no shirt to allure Johnny.  
  
What a fag.  
  
Day Eight:  
  
Johnnycakes bleach and run hands through my hair. Fell asleep listening to rhythmic sound of his heart beating. Then stupid Dally wake me up in the morning. Only hope he didn't see how "excited" I really was.  
  
Day Nine:  
  
Saw Johnnycakes wearing Dally's lip-gloss.  
  
Bastard.  
  
Day Ten:  
  
Told Johnny I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself burnt by a fire. Honestly. Johnnycakes so oversensitive sometimes.  
  
Day Eleven:  
  
No longer have need to kill Dally as he expired right after Johnny. Such an un-healthy want for attention. On the bright side he did fall down a hill as he died.  
  
Feeling very victorious.  
  
Day Twelve:  
  
Have been violently sick. Two-Bit says to sleep with him and I will feel better. Darry growled. Useless prick.  
  
Suddenly miss Johnnycakes.  
  
Day Thirteen:  
  
Randy picked Cherry as his new minion. Wasn't interested until Soda started bitch-slapping her.  
  
I love Soda.  
  
Day Fourteen:  
  
Randy ditch Cherry for me. Says he wants me to ride on his polo stick.  
  
Am not falling for it. Am not. Am not. Oh, hell. Just this once. 


	8. Two Bit has goosebumps

The Secret Diary of Two-Bit  
  
Day One:  
  
Darry beat up soc with manly strength and bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Very butch.  
  
Have goosebumps.  
  
Day Two:  
  
Prissy Soda cry over demolish of hair-care products. Soda not very butch. Actually, have met girls more manly than Soda.  
  
Cherry not one of them.  
  
Day Three:  
  
Caught gang checking out pricey switchblade. Darry said it's rugged. Soda said it sparkled and asked to use as it as jewelry.  
  
Darry now most turned-off.  
  
Damn that Soda.  
  
Day Four:  
  
Johnny use switchblade to kill Bob. Stained my blade with blood.  
  
I hate Johnny.  
  
Day Five:  
  
Darry says blood on blade look vigorous.  
  
I love Johnny....No I love Darry. Otherwise Dally and Pony will kill me.  
  
Pony. Hmmm....  
  
Day Seven:  
  
Cannot decide between greasers. Soda and Johnny most defiantly not my type. Johnny too short. Then again, could be a good advantage.  
  
Day Eight:  
  
Am completely over Darry and his unwashed manliness. And his six-pack. And his thighs. And his tight butt.  
  
Okay, maybe not completely over him.  
  
Day Ten:  
  
Found Soda dipping my blade in bleach this morning. Bleach make me think of Pony.  
  
Damn, it's easy to blame Soda for everything.  
  
Day Eleven:  
  
Pony violently sick. My poor baby.  
  
Day Twelve:  
  
Told Pony to sleep with me and he will feel better. Darry looked quite disgruntled and Randy looked pissed.  
  
Randy also looking good. Asked if I wanted to ride his polo stick after dinner. Will defiantly consent.  
  
Day Thirteen:  
  
More chocolate cake left over from diner as Soda will not eat any. Claims he will get fat and won't be able to wear anything but solid colors- especially purple.  
  
Was very boring listening to this, so concentrated on his hair instead. Am convinced that he dyes it.  
  
Ha! Blackmail! 


End file.
